The Dreamscape Paradox
by S J Armstrong 88
Summary: Penny/Sheldon. Penny's future, dreams, Comic-con, and unforeseen incidents. First FanFic for Big Bang Theory. Batman.First 5 or 6 chapters are planned.
1. Chapter 1

**Penny's Pov.**

I was sat on a couch sewing what looked like a kids Halloween costume. That was the first indicator that I was dreaming. I don't sew, well, nothing more complicated than a button on a shirt, or occasionally stitching up a snag in the fabric. I glanced down at my left hand and saw a diamond ring on my ring finger. Ok this was a new dream. I was hoping my beloved was one Mister Johnny Depp, or maybe Brad Pitt, I'd let this dream run its course. Well it's not like I could stop it anyway. It was so clear, like I was looking at the world through someone else's eyes.

"Mo-m-m-m-m!" A child cried out in a furious tone. I found myself running towards the sound. By the back door stood a mud covered child, he was about seven at a guess. Tall for his age with curly blonde hair, his lip was bloody, and he looked seconds away from tears. My maternal instincts forced me to run over and hug the boy, crouching down so I was at his level (strange I didn't think I _had _maternal instincts).

"Oh sweetie what happened?" I asked the child, as I looked into his eyes I noticed that his eyes, they were a mix of green and light brown. He had a serious face and high cheek bones. He would be handsome when he was all grown up.

"He tried to take my laser off me" Something twigged at the back of my mind but I couldn't deal with that now. There was a shivering child in front of me and he had to be taken care of. I stood slowly and took his hand, leading him upstairs to the bathroom. The house was beautifully decorated; it was definitely to my taste. It was suspiciously tidy though, maybe I had a cleaner in this future dream life.

"Why did you take your laser outside when you _knew _he always takes your things?" I asked my child, although it wasn't _me _asking, rather _future _dream me, who seemed to understand the situation. Future me seemed pretty patient, like she wasn't surprised by what had happened to her son.

For a moment my son looked at me as I took his dirty slightly blood stained clothes from him. There was something slightly condescending in that look. I started to turn the taps to run a bath.

"Mother I took my laser out _because _Billy has been taking my things." I looked at the child now glaring defiantly out the bathroom window, where we could both hear the children's' laughter below.

"Honey, we've talked about this you can't try to blow up _every _kid that picks on you"

"I know, I know if I did I'd have to create a blast that would wipe out all but a handful of the High school. It's not my fault they have inferior minds!" He cried trying to make me understand. There was no need I understood, a little too clearly. That was what worried me.

"You're smarter than them, that's obvious, but most people don't appreciate being told that. Also you have to show that big brain of yours by being the bigger man. _Do not _retaliate. Right now they are big enough to squish you. In the future when you're taller and more successful, and they're working at Wall mart _that _can be your revenge. Ok?"

"But mom Batman wouldn't just take it!"

"Batman wouldn't go around acting like Doctor Doom!" I replied exasperated, waiting for the inevitable corrections. "Yes I know Doctor Doom is from Fantastic Four but he's the best example of your behaviour". The boy looked shocked for a second as he sat down in the hot bath.

"You could have compared me to Firefly" the kid mumbled as I put shampoo in his hair, trying to work it through the tangles. "He's at least from the Batman Comics.

"Firefly was a pyromaniac" I noted as I carefully loaded my hands with hypo allergenic soap and began trying to clean my troublesome child. "Also he had a flamethrower not a laser beam, and he hasn't been in the comics since the nineteen fifties". My son smiled at me then, glancing up at me he said "I love you mom" It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Part of me was sad this was a dream, it felt like a great life. I wondered absently how the hell I knew about comic book characters from the nineteen fifties but I'm sure by the time I had a seven year old the guys across the hall would have thoroughly geek-afied me.

"I love you too James" Huh looks like the kid had a name. I continued to bath him as he told me all about his afternoon exploits.

"You know I'm going to have to tell your father about this" I scolded gently.

"Aww mom he's gonna be mad" James complained.

"I hope so, you _did _try to fry the neighbour kids." James giggled as he played with his Aquaman figure, making him swim through the bubbles.

"He'll be mad I got the circuits wrong, not because I tried to zap Billy" I rolled my eyes, somehow I knew the boy was right. "I shouldn't have taken it out without testing it first".

I smiled at the serious look on his young face and once again I was reminded of someone familiar. I helped him into his Superman PJ's and hugged him. He hugged me back without question. I must be the kind of mom who always hugs their kids. I wondered what his father was like, I wouldn't have to wait long.

There was a bump downstairs. The front door opened and closed. Faint footsteps clicked on the floorboards heading towards the kitchen the fridge door opened and closed and I heard a carton hit the counter as my son and I walked down the stairs. I saw the back of his head first, he was tall and slim, with short brown hair.

"Dad!" James said hugging his father. He wasn't Johnny Depp, although that I kind of expected. He turned to smile at me, a genuine smile. What I wasn't expecting was the man standing in front of me, cheekbones that matched my sons, red Flash T-shirt that was all too familiar. Dr Sheldon Cooper PHD. My husband. . .

--------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- ----------------- ----------

I woke up then. Oh my god. I ran into the bathroom, nearly stumbling over a pile of washing, Sheldon wouldn't approve of the mess I thought to myself and I started giggling hysterically. I washed my face and looked in the mirror, not too bad. I was in my usual house shorts and a turquoise tank top. I must have drifted off after my shift. It was Thai night and soon enough Sheldon would be at my door with my order. Sure enough...

Knock, knock, knock, "Penny" Knock, knock, knock, "Penny" Knock, knock, knock, "Penny"

I stood and walked over to the door and glanced at the floor.

"Its Thai night, are you joining us?" It wasn't really a question. Not with Sheldon. If it was part of routine it had to be followed, and at some point, don't ask me when I had become part of his life, and apparently one of his friends. After that whole thing with Kripke it turned out I was valued above Raj, who knows why. I decided not to fight my discomfort, and followed Sheldon to his apartment, when I looked up he had his brows furrowed in concentration, looking at me. I smiled and said "Come on Sheldon before I get your spot" He scowled and walking into the apartment before me.

The TV was on it was Doctor who, must be a DVD I thought to myself, it was never on, on Thai night. I mentally shook myself, I was starting to get like Sheldon.

"Do dreams mean anything?" I asked, figuring that if anyone had a logical explanation for my dream it would be the four lovable nerds in front of me.

"Sure, why fair Penny? Dreaming about me?" Wolowitz asked raising his eyebrows suggestively. I rolled my eyes.

"What _was_ the dream about?" Leonard asked. Trying to ignore his friend, who every now and then verged into creepy territory.

"Oh nothing major it was just kind of realistic that's all" I didn't really want to get into it, especially with Sheldon in the room. Raj was whispering in Howard's ear, as usual. I wished he could get over his issues but I knew it would be a long time.

"He says, "dreams focus on our thoughts and emotions, and speculate that dreams deal with immediate concerns in our lives, such as unfinished business, or concerns we can't handle during the day" Howard translated Raj's mumblings.

"Or" Leonard added "dreams teach us things about ourselves that we are unaware of"

"Hope not" I muttered under my breath. Sheldon gave me an odd look then. I was as usual sat next to Sheldon on the couch.

"Aristotle wrote in his "Parva Naturalia," over 2,200 years ago, of a connection between dreams, waking experiences, and emotional needs." Howard added. That was a pretty astute sentiment from him. "So if you had a sex dream it could mean you need to get some action" He smiled at me a little too creepily.

"Howard even if Penny had a dream involving coitus, she would not be here telling us" Sheldon added looking despairing of his friend.

"So if I dreamed I had a kid?"

"Well it could mean your sub-conscious is telling you that you are at your optimal time for procreating". Sheldon stated logically. Sometimes I wanted to shake him, just to see if he _had _emotions. He looked over at me and for a second it looked like he was blushing.

Leonard smiled and noted kindly, that "it could just mean you're missing something in your life"

"or some people believe that dreams are precognitive" Raj added then glanced down at the beer Howard had switched for his soda, looking horrified. I smiled. Poor Raj.

We carried on eating our Thai food and watched Doctor Who almost in silence. It was an episode called "Blink" where weeping angels were killing people but they could only move when you weren't looking. A scary episode, but not as scary as the idea that dreams were portents of the future.

My dream was _his _fault. If certain events hadn't taken place the previous evening I _never _would have dreamed about Sheldon Cooper, not like _that. _

**Next Time: You find out just what happened to make Sheldon blush and Penny Dream. And I might include Sheldon's dream in the next chapter too. **

_Sorry this chapter was kinda short. This is my first foray into writing prose for a TV show Fanfiction._


	2. Chapter 2

**Penny's PoV. **

7pm

The previous night I had been at home thinking of ways to relax after a day of awful auditions, one of which I walked out of, it was basically a porno that had been dressed up with words like "erotic drama" and "sensual adventure" sometimes I wondered if I'd ever get my chance. That was when I decided to have a shower. Typically that was the night that my shower decided I needed a cold wash, then the water packed in entirely. Thankfully I had my lovely neighbourhood geeks to depend on. I knocked on Leonard's door once as he opened it knapsack on his shoulder. He was on his way out.

"Oh hey, sorry, I was going to ask if I could borrow your shower." He had smiled that goofy smile of his and said:

"Sure, just like the day we met. You remember how to work the nozzle right?"

"Yeah, and hey I won't use up your Star Wars shampoo" I grinned winningly at him.

"Well I'm heading out I said I'd help Koothrappali out with a project. You've got a key so you can let yourself in and out. Sheldon's still at the University doing some experiment, so you shouldn't be disturbed for a few hours, so you could even have a bath" Typical of Leonard to be so thoughtful. He was always such a sweetheart. I hoped one day he would find a nice girl.

I went back to my own apartment to grab some bath bombs and shower gel and shampoo, I looked in my cupboard. I smiled at the sight that greeted me, twelve gift baskets bursting with toiletries greeted me. Sheldon could be sweet when he wanted to be, and it was amazing when he hugged me, like a grasshopper trying to show emotion. It felt like a once in a lifetime moment to see the real Sheldon, the part of him that wasn't all logic and quantum mechanics. I went back to the kitchen after selecting a coconut scented collection. I poured myself a large rum and coke. Grabbed some ice from the freezer and threw the cubes in my drink, one hamper in my hand the glass shoved in the centre to steady it, I pulled my door to with one hand after I put the hamper on the ground next to the door, so I could hold my towel with the other. The lights were still on in Leonard's apartment, which was kind, leaving them on so I didn't have to struggle in the dark. I walked across the hall humming to myself.

**Sheldon's PoV**

7:10pm

I arrived home. The lights were on in my apartment but the note on the counter in the kitchen stated that Leonard was out at Koothrappali's. Odd Leonard was usually sensible about light usage. I looked down at my favourite green Green Lantern top and sighed. Ketchum coated the surface, I had tried in vain to rescue it. Kripke was a jerk. There was no other word for it. He had seen me walking down the corridor to the lab and _purposefully _smeared ketchup on my top, I saw no reason for it. Mom had always told me inferior minds would always seek to bring me down, but _this? _This was just _sacrilege. _I couldn't bear to be in unclean clothing. His saliva could have contaminated the ketchup, or the meat could have been off, there was no telling how many hands had touched that hotdog. Besides I didn't feeling unclean. I put my clothed in the sink to soak, strode into the shower and enjoyed the warm water for a moment. It was one of the few things in life that truly amazed me. On a cerebral level I knew that the warm water was just helping relax the stiff muscles, but it always felt like how mom described God, comforting and pure, caring and profound. I had never felt God's power, except when Missy hit me round the head with mom's bible, but I _had _felt the power of a good shower. For now that was good enough for me. I had decided a long time ago that when I retired I would try to prove or disprove the existence of God, it couldn't be too hard.

I grabbed my hypo allergenic shower gel and began methodically cleaning every inch of my person, there's nothing worse than having a shower and feeling like you've missed a spot. I took a towel from the radiator and used it to dry myself carefully, the shower curtain was still drawn, I didn't like the idea of being exposed in a larger room. Leonard always thought that was an odd idiosyncrasy, but it had stopped him from seeing me naked on three occasions.

**Penny's PoV**

7:17pm

I walked towards the bathroom and opened the door carefully, the room smelled warm, and clean there was steam in the room, hmm, maybe Leonard had just finished in the bathroom before he left. I dropped my towel and pulled back the periodic table curtain to reveal.... an incredibly startled, butt naked physicist. Sheldon had the most horrified look on his face I had ever seen, but for a second I think he looked me up and down. To be honest I was curious. Underneath his clothes he was what you would expect, he was lean and pale except for the forearms, they were tanned, but hey it's California, even the biggest nerds can catch a tan, Sheldon was a case in point. I couldn't help it I swear, but I looked down. I've gotta say Sheldon's a tall, guy, I don't know why I was so surprised that he was in proportion elsewhere. I scrambled for my towel.

"Penny this is my bathroom. I'm in the bathroom. No one's supposed to be in the bathroom."

"I'm sorry Sheldon, Leonard said you were out! My shower broke" I cried helplessly. He was cringing in the corner of the bathtub, still naked with his eyes firmly closed. I picked up a towel and gently wrapped it around him, he trembled slightly at my touch. "Sweetie, was this the first time you've seen a naked woman?" He nodded he looked up now into my eyes.

"I'm sorry" he said so quietly I wasn't sure I had heard it.

"Hey it's not your fault, you didn't know I was here, I didn't know you were here, it's a slight accident that's all"

"But I saw, mom says if you see a woman naked you have to do right by her and marry her".

"Wow, then I should have been married _a lot" _I smiled at him. He gave me his cute snicker laugh. Sometimes it was like he was still a child. Like to have an intellect so advanced part of his mind had to remain in his childhood.

"Look" I said quietly "How about we forget this?"

"Penny I have an IQ of 187 and a photographic memory I cannot forget" I handed him my drink.

"Here drink this, you never know you might forget". Well it seemed to work he sat giggling on the edge of the tub, whilst I watched in fascination from my perch on the toilet.

"S'not so bad, baa baa BATMAN!" He cried laughing maniacally. I smiled at him and helped him up, walking him to his room I handed him his PJ's, waited for him to call "ready" then I helped the swaying scientist into bed, he positioned himself in what he called the "optimum sleeping position" (which to be honest made him look a little like Dracula) I kissed his head, then left the room, to _finally _get my shower.

**Next time: Sheldon's dream**

Ok so what do you think about Sheldon's point of view? Sheldony enough? Thanks for reading, reviews are greatly appreciated. x


	3. Chapter 3

**Sheldon's PoV**

_(Ok admittedly I have no idea what dear Sheldon would dream about so I'm winging it, but he _does _pull off the Batman voice rather well so I thought this was apt, Oh and if you notice about 6 lines of dialogue are pilfered from the 1992 movie "Batman Returns" as though Sheldon was dreaming he was in the movie before it moves into his dream proper). _

Gotham City was quiet, too quiet. Admittedly I _had _just apprehended some would be jewel thieves as they tried to break into the Museum of Antiquities, but only one incident a night was a slow night for me. A city this size, something was always going on. I decided to get an aerial view of the city. I released my grappling hook and it caught on the top floor fire escape, I pressed the button and was pulled gracefully skywards. That was when I saw her, leather cat suit and mask, whip attached to her belt, perched on the fire escape of the opposite building. She appeared to be eating ice-cream from a Ben and Jerry's tub. Odd. She saw me and smiled, placing her ice-cream down for a black cat purring by her feet. In a flash she had produced her whip and in an exceptional display of gymnastics she managed to pull her way onto the roof of the building I was stood on. I ventured up the ladder to join her on the roof.

"What's a Bat doing in this cat's neck of the woods?" She purred. Catwoman friend or foe, that depended on her mood. Just like any woman really.

"Protecting the city's treasures" I replied stiffly. Although she was an attractive woman, I didn't like having to answer to anyone.

"Oh yes your little cowboy routine by the Museum, I'd have helped but you seemed to have everything under control" She said looking up at me, that was when I noticed her eyes were bright green. I was sure they were blue before. We walked along the rooftop together both scouting for trouble.

"I guess the Museum's not part of your territory" I said.

"It's close enough that I keep an eye on it, but if a tall dark and broody Bat wants to save me the effort of whipping criminals into submission, fine by me". She smiled that sultry smile that made even me go a little weak at the knees, not that I'd ever tell her that.

"You're in a good mood tonight, like the cat that got the cream"

"Well the ice-cream anyway. One of the perks of the job. Save a few souls, get a little attention." She winked.

"You don't seem like the type that would like being _good_" I responded. Taking in her outfit, one step away from being a dominatrix's dream. Everything about her exuded confidence and raw sexuality. She enjoyed teasing me, enjoyed the power she had over me. It has been said that people can only really get under one another's skin if they care about each other. I wondered then if she really cared about me, or if it was all part of her act.  
"I'm not, but I'm starting to enjoy the fringe benefits. It's a... long story"

She looked at me then, straight in the eyes and held up a single sprig of mistletoe. I thought absently of bath bombs. She whispered in my ear "A kiss under the mistletoe. You know, mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it"  
"But a kiss can be even deadlier... if you mean it" I replied, as I slowly stroked the side of her face. Like a real cat she moved her face into my outstretched hand and purred contentedly. That was when she reached over and gently pulled back my mask, I looked into her eyes. I saw myself reflected in them, not Bruce Wayne, Billionaire industrialist. Instead I saw Dr Sheldon Cooper PHD. My Catwoman didn't shy away, just smiled that winning smile of hers. She kissed me, and it was like all the fire in the world had been absorbed and placed within the microcosm of that single kiss.

"You know, I could... free up some time" I said as I remained perched on the edge of the building.  
"I'm listed" She said as she rose to her feet with all the grace her feline nature afforded her.  
"I'm tempted" I whispered hoarse. Just then we saw a woman walking slowly down the alleyway below us, her arms were full of groceries and she was obviously trying to get her keys out of her purse without dropping everything. We both glanced at one another as we heard the second and third set of footsteps. We registered what was going to happen before the woman below did.  
"I'm working" My Catwoman sighed. I slipped my mask back on.  
"I'm helping" I added. We jumped down simultaneously, landing to the left of the startled woman, she began to drop her bags, but of course my companion caught the bags before they fell, handing them back to the confused woman. I nodded towards the doorway at Catwoman. She understood, and helped the woman inside whilst I turned to face the two men who were at the far end of the alley. They looked smug, that was their first mistake.

"Hey look Vinnie it's the Bat freak" one said to the other.

"I'm Batman" I said in my deepest voice, the one which usually made criminals wary.

"Yeah and I'm supposed to be scared of that?" The shorter of the two men asked.

"Hey where's your sexy friend gone?" The taller goon asked. There was a leer on his face I just didn't like.

"Ooh I'd like to see what's under _that _suit huh Reggie" The taller man smirked in response. By now both men had their hands at their sides, in the same instant, there was a metallic click, they had pressed the buttons on their knives to release their switchblades. Unfortunately for them it was the same moment my Catwoman had decided to land on them. While they were indulging in trash talk about me and my lady friend, they failed to notice her lithely journey along the fire escape she had been perched on earlier. Nor had they notice how I nodded as soon as they were in alignment with her jump. I produced a reel of thin but strong metal wiring, my own design, strong but flexible. It should hold them until the police came.

"Nice moves" I smiled, as she was still stood with her heels digging into the backs of the two louts.

"Nice equipment" She quipped back.

"You're not the first woman to comment on it" I responded. I loved our verbal ping pong, it kept me sharp, and there was something deeply enjoyable about being able to banter with a beautiful woman. She removed her feet from the thugs then, and slowly walked towards me sizing me up.

"You wanna take these idiots in yourself?" She asked me, batting her eyelashes at me.

"Well you're a wanted woman, it's not like you should show your face down at the police station"

"You're not the first man to tell me I'm wanted, nor are you the first man to want me" she purred. Oh how I loved that voice of hers. Yet I'm sure there was a mid-western twang in it there hadn't been before.

"How about a kiss for good luck?" I asked looking down at her, glad she was smiling.

"You don't need luck" she whispered in my ear, and turned to go. Abruptly she swung back round and jumped onto me her legs around my waist, she kissed me then, softly. "But maybe you'll need another life from this Kitty Cat, and hey I've got eight more" She kissed me then more passionately that she had even on the roof. What a woman.

She dropped down and slowly removed her mask. The goons were now unconscious so there was no chance they'd be able to identify her. Her blonde hair tumbled out behind her. She wasn't Selina Kyle. Her green eyes twinkled in the darkness and she giggled at the recognition in my eyes.

"Goodnight Sheldon" she whispered as she kissed my cheek, then she pulled the mask back on and ran off into the Gotham night.

That was when I woke with a start "Danger Danger" I cried. I looked over at my clock 7am. I pulled back my covers and glanced at my dishevelled duvet, unusual, it was normally pretty tidy when I got up. I shrugged and continued on my morning journey, I walked out of my room as I tried to recall my dream, playing it back in my mind. I walked into the kitchen and selected something from the low end of the fibre spectrum for my morning cereal. That was when she walked into the apartment.

"Morning Sheldon"

"Morning Penny" I replied "Is there something I can help you with?"

"I'm out of milk you mind?" Penny asked.

"Do I mind that you are out of milk? No. If you wish to borrow some milk, very well, but really Penny you should check on supplies before leaving your apartment so you can purchase some after work."

"Do _you _go shopping after work?" She asked clearly sceptical. Admittedly on the first occasion she had taken me to the market I had seemed a little surprised by it all.

"Of course not Leonard does" she looked pointedly at me "But I tell him what we require" at that point Penny rolled her eyes and gave me a typical _shut up _look. Uncomfortable, I went to the fridge and grabbed a carton of milk which only retained a third of its original content. I handed it to her.

"Thanks" she smiled at me lighting up the room. I blinked as I realised what I had forgotten about my dreams ending. Penny stalked out of our apartment and closed the door behind her.

Leonard then emerged from his room in his robe, "What was that"

"She's the Catwoman to my Batman" I whispered to myself.

"What?" Leonard asked? He had been mid yawn, and hadn't heard my reply.

"She borrowed some milk" I replied, still staring after her. Leonard noticed me staring and asked.

"She make fun of your cereal again?" He asked.

"No..." I replied, then I walked over to my cereal collection and grabbed a box closer to the higher end of the fibre content.

_(Ok what do you think? Oh thanks to all the people who have favourite this story and reviewed it, it's greatly appreciated. Lol sorry if this chapter is a little cheesy I was trying to make it as close to an old Batman movie as I could). x_


	4. Chapter 4

**Penny's PoV**

Wednesday night. Halo Night for the boys, and there was nothing on the tube, with that in mind I thought about going over to see them. Watching Sheldon and Leonard thrash Raj and Howard was always fun. I even got to play sometimes, usually if Leonard needed a bathroom break. Sheldon had never truly forgiven me for blowing his head off so many times in my first game with them, Howard had gotten lucky with my friend and they'd needed a fourth. Weirdly that was the same evening that I discovered Sheldon wasn't as asexual as we thought. Well in my opinion, if he can appreciate a good looking woman he's not entirely dead downstairs.

*Knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny", *Knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny", *Knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny".

I didn't need to ask, I smiled as I answered the door.

"Penny... we need you" Sheldon began. It was clear that asking me for help was difficult for Sheldon.

"Hello Sheldon"

"Hello Penny" he smiled awkwardly. "Well?"

"Well what?" I asked, I swear talking to Sheldon was like walking up a hill made of jell-o.

"Are you going to play Halo with us or are you going to desert us for dancing, even though it's not an official dancing night".

"I'd love to" I grinned and on a whim stood on my tip toes and kissed his cheek.

"Why did you do that?" The lanky physicist asked. I loved that look he got when he was trying to figure something out. I enjoyed being the cause of his confusion even more. A small town girl from Omaha, Nebraska stumps a potential Nobel prize winning genius.

We walked across the hall together in silence. Sheldon was still viewing me like an alien life form. As we walked through the door I asked: "So who's out tonight?"

"Leonard, you will be playing on my team, Wolowitz and Koothrappali work best together" he said.

"Like an old married couple" I added, Sheldon gave me an odd look.

"It has been noted that there is a lack of cohesion in the relationships of those couple's who have been together for an over extended period of time. However the idea of a team becoming more attuned over time is a logical hypothesis, so in that regard you have a point"

_Wow _I thought to myself as I spotted Raj, who waved at me from the chair. Howard was plugging in the Xbox, and Leonard was nowhere to be seen. I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.

"You guys want anything from the fridge?" I asked, trying to be as polite as possible whilst stretching the social convention _make yourself at home _to meet my own needs. Huh an oddly Sheldon kind of thought, I wondered if I was hanging out with my guys too much.

"I'm good" Howard answered absently. Raj walked over to him and began whispering in his ear, I smiled as he shot me bashful smiles.

"He'd like a coke if it's no trouble and he thinks you look nice" Howard relayed for me.

"Sheldon? Can I get you something?" I asked.

"I'm cream, fine I mean fine" The physicist muttered. My tall dark and geeky friend seemed oddly distracted, but his face wasn't twitching so he didn't have any secrets concealed as far as I could tell.

I grabbed Raj his coke, and wondered where Leonard was. As if he had been reading my mind, Sheldon glanced at me from _his _spot on the couch. Ever since I shot it accidentally with the paint gun he had been wiggling his butt into the newly cleaned cushion. It was kind of like watching a puppy with unnaturally long limbs.

"Leonard has a date and he is in all probability spraying on a dense molecular cloud or Aramis, in a vain attempt to achieve coitus, but if the woman manages to breathe through it she at least has a good set of lungs".

"Sheldon did you hide my Aramis?" Leonard asked as he walked into the living room buttoning up his shirt as he entered. Sheldon shot me what passed for a mischievous grin, and mouthed _it's for his own good. _I pretended to cough to cover my own smile. Raj glanced from Sheldon to me and seemed to be calculating something. "Oh hey Penny" Leonard added when he saw me, his head bobbed a little like the parakeet mom used to have, before the cat ate it anyway. He was nervous about his date I could tell. I smiled widely at him, and went over to hug him, I sniffed deeply.

"New shampoo?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's uh... Herbal essence" Howard snorted with derision, I scowled at him and asked Leonard:

"The deep clean one right, pineapple and cotton?"

"Yeah, but now I'm worried she's gonna think I'm a total girl"

"Actually you did the right thing, girls like guys who make the effort but don't try too hard, the best thing you could have done was make sure you smell nice, but not in the over the top too much cologne nineteen seventies porn star way. Oh and trust me there is nothing worse than a guy putting his arm around you and smelling gym sweat, some guys think it's a turn on, but it's really not. So don't worry you look smart, and you smell good and you're a sweet guy".

"Oh. Thanks Penny, that's nice of you to say" Leonard held his head up a little straighter after that. Wolowitz had produced a pen and notepad from somewhere and was making notes. Raj whispered something in his ear.

"Because I always get told what women don't like, it's rare to get told what they _do!_ You should take notes too its advice that doesn't entail speaking to women_" _Raj nodded at that and opened up his laptop he began typing quickly.

"Your date is doomed to fail anyway" Sheldon pointed out.

"Why do you say that?" Leonard asked, once again he was looking small his shoulders hunched.

"Based on your past attempts at securing a mate from your own intellectual group, and your subsequent relationship's eventual failure, it would suggest that you would be even less successful with someone from outside said intellectual group".

"Hey I'm outside your smart group but Leonard made a good impression on me" I added trying to spare poor Leonard another patronising diatribe.

"Are you and Leonard a couple?"

"Well no, but..."

"Therefore does it not stand to reason that he failed, and given that your relationship was the shortest and you are the furthest from his intellectual circle, surely it proves that Leonard should be more methodical in selecting his chosen mate?"

"She's not my _mate _she is a nice woman I met in a coffee shop. Besides mate suggests offspring and I'm not going to have offspring with her".

"Then what is the point?" Sheldon asked his eyebrows rose as he sipped a cup of his herbal tea.

"E_xcuse_ me?" Leonard asked in consternation.

"You expect to achieve coitus correct?"

"Well not tonight, but maybe in the future..."

"Then you wish to procreate, but why when the purpose of every other living mammal in procreation is reproduction, but if it's only for recreation?"

"Spoken truly like a man who has never _had _sex"

"Just because I haven't doesn't mean I'm not right. I've never gone paragliding, but I know I don't see the point in _that_". I rolled my eyes at him.

"Dating isn't just about sex Sheldon!" Leonard looked despairingly at his friend, who for all his brains just didn't get the whole being normal thing.

"All right lets go the psychological rout and explore the business of human pairing, human's choose to form pairs because of a mutual need, something is missing in their life and something is missing in yours, and that is supposed to be the basis for forming a long lasting mutual obligation to one another, and if you decide not to reproduce then you're stuck together for the rest of your lives, and you won't even get to see your gene's live on as you age and eventually die. Well?"

"Sex is better than Halo 3. Oh and Sheldon, sometimes decisions aren't about the logical choices, they're about emotions."

"Huh" Was all Sheldon said to that.

"Besides how do you know Leonard hasn't met the perfect girl for him?"

"Unlikely he said himself he met her in a coffee shop"

"So?" Leonard asked, clearly that statement made no sense to him either.

"She clearly has a caffeine addiction, and there is research to suggest that if the parent has an addictive personality, then the offspring will inherit similar traits"

"For the last time Sheldon, there will be NO OFFSPRING!" Leonard yelled.

"All right you don't have to yell, I just don't think you've found your ideal mate that's all. I promise I won't say _I told you so_ when you return"

"Sheldon" I sighed "You're not really anyone's idea of a viable mate either, so you really shouldn't judge. Have you ever heard the phrase _people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?" _

"Yes, but if _I_ were throwing stones from a glass house, the glass would be bullet proof, and I would have installed a sonic laser to blast the rocks being thrown in my direction"

I laughed in spite of myself. Sheldon really did live in a world of his own.

"Why aren't I a viable mate?" Sheldon asked, he looked slightly put out.

"Oh sweetie you don't know how to be a mate. Odd given that you seem to think you know everything important in the universe." The rest of the guys chuckled at that and even Leonard's mood seemed to lighten.

Things looked like they might turn awkward for a moment, but then Howard held up a pretty good drawing of a woman that I'm pretty sure wasn't anatomically impossible.

"Now that is _my _perfect woman!" Howard said and sighed. Raj nodded but held his hand wand waved it in a "nearly" kind of way. Raj grabbed a pen and drew her wearing an elegant gown, he whispered something to Howard who translated for the rest of us.

"He says that if a woman is wearing a nice dress that covers all but show the briefest flashes of bare skin, it's sexier than if she is just nude, and it makes her seem classier.

Leonard checked his watch and said "Ok guys I've got to go pick up Melody".

"Hey was it your idea to pick her up or yours?"

"She said great pick me up at eight, why?"

"I think you might be getting lucky" I said with a grin.

"Really?" Howard asked. Raj looked sceptical too.

"By using only one car means you have to drive her home, you have the good night kiss, if it's good, then maybe she invites you in. Oh and coffee doesn't mean coffee."

Raj and Howard were back to making notes, I rolled my eyes and winked at Leonard who smiled. Sheldon was still frowning to himself.

Leonard left. He seemed less nervous, I took my place on the right hand side of Sheldon. I guess with Leonard gone I was Sheldon's right hand girl. I enjoy winning and so does Sheldon and I'm afraid that we weren't the best winners in history. Raj and Howard slapped each other like little girls in their mutual frustration, they blamed each other. I got up and did a body shaking victory dance and Sheldon even joined in. Wolowitz looked shocked and Raj just looked horrified. Imagine a stick insect trying to do a hula and that's pretty much a Sheldon Cooper victory dance. We continued playing late into the night, and I fell asleep on the couch, I woke the next morning to see a Batman duvet over me. I glanced up Sheldon was pouring himself some cereal. He spotted me and looked like a deer in the head lights.

"Sleep well?" He asked.

"Yeah Batman kept me safe" I smiled and Sheldon seemed oddly startled.

TBC Next time Penny/Sheldon e-mail.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Note:** Ok basically this little chapter is a quick look at Penny and Sheldon having a conversation the way Sheldon does best... on-line.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the rights to the show or any of the characters there in.

8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

**To: Queen Penelope**

**From: Sheldor **

**Subject: Why?**

Penny, in response to your statement last night I would like to enquire **why **I wouldn't make a good potential mate.

My plus points:

I am tall. I am highly intelligent. I have a great enough income to support you. My family have no known fertility problems and there is no known history of diabetes. I also have an exceptional knowledge of comic books.

**P.S** You're not exactly my ideal mate either, but I still value you as a friend.

Yours sincerely Dr Sheldon Cooper PHD

8 * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * *

**Penny's PoV**

I stared at the e-mail for about five minutes wondering what to make of it. It was strange that such an off the cuff comment could bother someone with such a brilliant mind, then again that brilliant mind did make him come across the hall in the middle of the night and clean because mess thirty feet away bothered him. It was clear to me that I would never understand the mind of Sheldon Cooper PHD. I scowled at the P.S, what did he mean? "You're not exactly my ideal mate either" well, two could e-mail.

**To: Sheldor**

**From: Queen Penelope**

**Re: Why?**

Sheldon sweetie there is no reason to stress out about an on the fly comment I made. I will concede that all of the plus points you have raised are good if I was looking for a mate purely for reproduction. (Although I'm not sure why the comic book knowledge is important) However to get to the stage in a relationship where reproduction is viable, you have to date, and Sheldon this is where your lack of fundamental understanding of human relationships lets you down. If you can't date you can't mate, it's that simple.

On a related note, what did you mean? "You're not exactly my ideal mate either" I will have you know that _plenty_ of guys think I'd make a viable mate. I'm just looking for the right one.

What would _your_ ideal mate be?

Your friend Penny x

8 * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

There if that couldn't get me some enlightening answers I don't know what would. I wondered absently about what Sheldon's ideal woman. She'd have to be just like him, who else could put up with him? Well besides his mom, and me although on occasion I have wanted to strangle him.

8 * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

**Sheldon PoV**

I read and re-read the words on the screen in front of me. The very idea that I would be unsuccessful at something once I put my mind to it was simply unacceptable I thought as I compiled my reply. Penny was getting more confident at outright defying me, part of me admired that in her, but the rest of me felt chagrin that she wouldn't give in as Leonard, Raj and Howard do.

**To: Queen Penelope**

**From: Sheldor **

**Subject: Re: Why?**

Penny, I am perfectly capable of dating, because I do not accept failure. Once I set my mind to something I achieve my goals. It should be a simple matter plenty of people with far lower IQ's can date, so it should be no great hardship for me.

I mentioned my comic book knowledge because you briefly dated Stuart, the owner of the comic book store and it seemed reasonable to assume that his comic book knowledge would be attractive to you.

I am curious as to why you think I cannot date, and would like you to give me an in depth list of dating conventions. Specifically the protocol for a date scenario.

Just so you know, my ideal mate would have to be of good child bearing stock, be of high intelligence, oh and she should be as knowledgeable about comic books as I am so that we could have discussions about them.

Yours sincerely Sheldon

8 * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * 8

**Penny PoV**

Why the hell does he care, I said he wasn't anyone's ideal mate, why is he singling me out specifically? Maybe because I'm the only woman not related to him who cares about him? I grabbed a red bull from the fridge as I thought of a suitable reply for Sheldon.

**To: Sheldor**

**From: Queen Penelope**

**Re: Why?**

Sheldon to go on a successful date you must refrain from being condescending, actually pretend to be interested in what your date is talking about even though you couldn't care less. I know you will wonder why, when that's not being entirely honest, but that's the non optional social convention and if you wish to date someone you have to practice being polite, even though you think it's below you. Another thing Sheldon, you can't compliment someone without making it sound like an insult. Relationships can't be marked out like a scientific formula; feelings are unpredictable and wonderful, stop trying to make them logical. If you really want some guidelines...

Here is a list of the things you have to do on a date.

1 Pick her up for the date, if you want to make a good impression bring flowers or another appropriate present.

2 Hold the doors open for her.

3 Let _her _pick the restaurant.

4 Let her talk about herself, then you talk about yourself, try to make it an equal exchange, no hogging the conversation. Compliment her if you can!

5 You pay for the meal.

6 afterwards if you are both still having fun, go somewhere unusual, like dancing, or playing laser quest, show her you can be spontaneous, (you can plan for all eventualities as long as she doesn't know you have before hand).

7 The goodnight kiss. Make sure it's a good one.

8 Make sure you have a protection.

9 If she asks you in for coffee only go in if you are prepared to sleep with her. If not tell her you have to be at the University early the next morning.

P.S you always achieve your goals? What about rock climbing smart guy?

Yours Penny x

8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

**Sheldon's PoV**

**To: Queen Penelope**

**From: Sheldor **

**Subject: Re: Why?**

Penny, I accept your challenge. I will go on a successful date. I will be polite and learn to be complimentary. Will you teach me? I promise not to be sarcastic or condescending.

However I would like to make the following notes on your suggestions.

1 What would be appropriate for a woman I had just met, something typical like flowers would surely seem generic and ill considered, but something that shows a greater understanding of her tastes would in all likelihood lead her to think I was some kind of stalker?

2 I was given to understand that women want to be seen as independent and strong, so won't opening the door for her seem patronising?

3 What if her choice of restaurant isn't up to health codes?

4 What if she doesn't talk much should I sit in silence for the same period of time she does?

5 What if she earns more than me? Surely we should go Dutch?

6 Could we go to the comic book store?

7 I don't know how to make sure the goodnight kiss is a good one. I was only kissed once and it was disturbing to say the least.

8 Would pepper spray do?

9 Should I take an overnight bag just in case? With a toothbrush, pore strips etc. I don't know if I could share a bed with another person I wouldn't like to have my REM cycle disturbed.

I have a problem with heights Penny, I did try twice, but it is difficult to overcome ones fears, surely you are scared of something?

Yours sincerely Sheldon

8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

**To: Sheldor**

**From: Queen Penelope**

**Re: Why?**

Moonpie, you really are one on your own. Yes I will teach you as long as you stick to the agreed rules. I am sure you will be drawing up a contract as we speak.

1 Flowers are generic, but they are effective for a reason, they are pretty and women like pretty things.

2 The door thing depends on the woman, but most unless they are bra-burning feminists appreciate the manners.

3 Ok you pick the five restaurants that are most acceptable to you, casually list them off and it's more than likely that she will go for one of your suggestions, she'll think it was her choice, and you get to enjoy the meal in the knowledge that it is up to your standards of cleanliness.

4 No, if the conversation goes quiet jump in and ask her something or tell her an interesting anecdote.

5 Only go Dutch if she suggests it. Make sure you say something like "are you sure?" if she insists then by all means go Dutch.

6 Only if in the conversation over dinner you discover she likes comic books.

7 You'll just have to practice, it's the kind of thing I'll have to talk you through in person.

8 No, no pepper spray, I meant as in contraception in case you get lucky.

9 Again sleep with as in have sex with, and generally if you have sex with a girl you should at least cuddle her before leaving, it's preferred that you spend the whole night, no night bag. Pray she has a spare toothbrush, or bring tooth cleaning gum.

You know the information I am giving you would be very valuable to Howard and Raj, if you actually succeed, you will be a god to them for years.

It's late I should get to bed, look I'll come over early after work and we can talk about your lessons. I was thinking maybe you could help me with my taxes in return for helping you with social skills.

Goodnight Sheldon.

P.S I think we can make you into any girl's idea of their perfect mate. Or would you prefer a guy?

P.P.S It wasn't a challenge you know.

Yours Penny

8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8 * * * * * * * * * * * 8

**Sheldon's PoV**

I was startled as I read through Penny's e-mail, she thought I might be gay? Huh, that was unexpected. Then again it would be logical, I am immaculate, and I do understand the logical fact based mind that is typical of men, however the female form is simply more attractive. I never gave much thought to sex or relationships, so I never thought to consider a sexual preference. Women, I think I prefer them.

**To: Queen Penelope**

**From: Sheldor **

**Subject: Re: Why?**

Penny I have no interest in men sexually, and the one time I asked a man out, it was entirely accidental, although I was successful, so I aren't entirely unskilled at dating, in that I can at least procure a date for myself unassisted.

Whether you meant to challenge me or not I took it as such, and I will prevail.

Goodnight Penny, I will see you tomorrow.

Your student, Sheldon Cooper. PHD

**TBC **


End file.
